Human Happiness And The Key To A Good Life
(from The Atlantic article about a new book, The Good Life, by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD)
A Harvard study started in 1938 with 734 original participants from various walks on life and followed them as they married, divorced, added descendants, and so on. Periodic interviews delved into relationships, firings, successes, parenthood and more. It is the longest in-depth study on human life ever done. The conclusion: good relationships lead to better health and happiness. To make that work, relationships have to be nurtured.
Consider the two authors who are friends. They only see each other in person about 2 days a year other times are digital. If Bob, at age 71, lives to 100, then two days for 29 years is 58 days out of 10,585 days (29*365). That’s not much “quality” time spent together.
Data from 2018 shows that the average American spends about 11 hours daily in solitary activities which means that about 4,851 days we interact with media or are alone. Distractions are taking up a huge amount of time which could be spent more meaningfully.
We don’t have to see each other a lot to have meaningful relationships. Sometimes being sparing with our time can be as good as lots of face-to-face time. Is there a relationship that would benefit if you saw each other more? There could be untapped resources waiting to be used and enriching these can nourish our minds and bodies. No scientific evidence is needed to convince you the invigoration you feel when you connected with and felt really understood after a conversation or how little sleep you get during period of romantic strife.
Like physical fitness, social fitness, takes work too. Judging our social fitness requires some self-reflection. We need to step back from the fast pace of life and examine, honestly, whether our connections are thriving. Sometimes this is not easy to do or might be a bit painful, but the benefits can be enormous.
The study participants said that filling out the study forms periodically did enable them to take time for self-reflection and focus. Take time to think about your own relationships and where you are. Some participants found the questionnaires painful, skipped questions or wrote in the margins, why did you ask this. No one likes to reexamine life’s difficulties. Even the people who did not reply to the survey helped the authors in understanding how difficult it can be to maintain relations when life is hard. One participant who graduated from Harvard and served in WWII, said his philosophy for getting through hard times was “Try not to let life get to you. Remember your victories and take a positive attitude”.
In one interview, a participant was interviewed in detail. One of the authors said that the man was technically married, but his wife lived far away. They had not slept in the same room for years. He said he did not want a divorce due to the children, but they were grown and had children of their own. He beamed as he spoke of them saying they were very important to him. He admitted that he rarely saw them but keep his relationship with them thriving in his imagination. His distance and optimism put a positive spin on matters so that nothing was wrong. He was fine… his kids didn’t need him. He seemed to be more comfortable maintaining distance from his family. He did not really know his grandchildren and did not contact friends. An interview from years ago revealed that he had a sister. He admitted in the current interview when asked about her that he had not spoken to her in years. He even did not know if she was still living.
We don’t always consciously know why we do things or not do things. It’s probably more common that we admit. Taking some time to examine that can help. There may be a voice inside or things that need to get out. There are things that we have not seen or articulated to ourselves. It seems that we would prefer to examine them tomorrow.
Loneliness can have profound effects on the body. One can become more sensitive to pain, suppress the immune system, diminish brain function, and interfere with sleep. It is more dangerous than obesity and can raise the chance of death. For young adults, it may cause them to take more chances in risky behaviors and cope with stress in negative ways. Unfortunately, it seems to be flooding modern society. A UK study indicated that in the 16-24 year old group, 40% felt lonely “often or very often”. Even in a worldwide view, one out of three reported that they often feel lonely. The corona virus did not help and contributed to isolation.
Loneliness is subjective. What make one feel that way may differ greatly when compared to someone else. Even across all races and classes, the feeling resides in the difference in what social contact you have and what social contact you want. We need to reflect on our relationships if we are feeling low. How good are they or how bad. What do we need to do to make them better if they are not what we would like. This review can help remind us of what’s important.
The comments on the participant above who was so distanced from his family caused him much pain. He just never sat down to really think about how he might conduct his relationships or what he might do to care for the people he loved most. There is a fragility in our connections. Science shows us how important they are to keep us happy and healthy through life. Neglecting them is at our peril. Even small investments with others create long-term well-being. Does any of this resonate with you?
In my opinion, the younger population needs to work on this as their personal skills in a face-to- face environment have been hampered by the covid era of isolation and the preponderance of digital tools that prevent them from seeing the nuances of human communication. Intrapersonal, communication skills sitting across a table or taking a walk together, need to be learned and practiced. You don’t get that with a tablet or phone, and it’s vital.