Oprah Daily article by Eleni Gage, February 9, ‘23
Certain questions can help us bind our relationships with others.
At the start of a relationship, you asked lots or questions about what the other feels, hears, thinks, reads, dreams, and so on. Later questions become more logistical… did you make the insurance payments, where are Sally’s boots, bring home some eggs. Important, but definitely not adding to the spark.
John and Julie Schwartzman Gottman surveyed 3,000 couples over 20 years and found three universal things successful couples share: from their book, The Love Prescription.
- They stay curious about each other.
- They admire each other and,
- They turn, metaphorically and often literally, to each other rather than turning away when they need attention with a comment, question, or calling of a name.
To score a three pointer (curiosity, admiration, and a turning towards) the authors suggest asking this at the start of the day. “Is there anything that you need from me today?” Or maybe something simpler, how are you feeling today?
They heard a teacher reminding students to be aware of other students and ask, “Are you available?” Try it on your partner, if it’s a yes, you are good to go, if not, then they may say just a minute, let me finish, or I’ll get with you soon, or whatever.
Have we had any misses? What this is saying is there something that needs to be discussed and we have been just avoiding it or dancing around it. Let’s solve a small problem before it becomes a big one.
What’s going well? Celebrate successes which can serve as a reserve when things aren’t going well. In every day there will be connections and disconnections. You should check in daily as it is sort of a GPS for our relationships. Knowing what makes you feel connected is empowering.
“What’s going on in that beautiful brain?” Or something like that. Find out what’s on their mind. You are not asking for their to-do list. Seek more deeply to find out what ‘s going on in their inner world. This is important especially if things are stressful. If you repeatedly argue about the same thing, try to find out what their dream of this would be and what would be their nightmare. Look into what that emotional need is and try to respond to it. You are less likely to resent it if you understand.
As often as possible, tell them why you think they are fantastic. Even, “you make the best coffee’ works. Think why you fell for them in the first place. Happy couples can name the reasons and have a shared memory of good times of their past together. Emphasize the good times together. Actively admire the other person for who they are to you, not just what they do. It’s like air in a life raft. It will keep you up when there are waves.
“Will you go out with me”. Set aside time weekly just for the two of you. It doesn’t have to expensive, maybe a glass of wine on the porch or sharing some food at the table. No TV or phones. Just the two of you. Cancel something else if you have to. This is important.
“How about a hug?” A nice long one is good as studies show it takes that about 20 seconds in a long hug for oxytocin to be released and metabolized in the blood. This is the hormone for bonding, affection, love, and trust. Blood vessels will dilate and lower blood pressure and allow more oxygen to the brain. What’s not to like about that?