THE HELPFUL MIND
source: https://apple.news/A_wVDoRj5TP6yP85CVEI80w
We Here Now
CULTIVATING A MINDFUL APPROACH TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BRING YOU NOT JUST INNER PEACE
BUT WEDDED BLISS.
THE SCENE MAY BE all too familiar: Your beloved spouse is telling you how their day went. Their lips are moving and sounds are coming out, and you’re nodding and saying, “Mm-hmm.” But your mind has left the scene to dwell on more pressing things, like why is the fridge making that weird gurgle? Do you need cat litter? Wait, you forgot to send that email!
Though we spend a considerable amount of time with our partners—perhaps more than ever over the past year—how often are we really present? “It’s easy to go on autopilot with those closest to us,” says Laura Silberstein-Tirch, PsyD, a psychotherapist in New York City and the author of How to Be Nice to Yourself. Social scientists call this the “closeness-communication bias.” We stop actively listening to our nearest and dearest because we think we already know what they’re going to say.
There’s comfort in such familiarity, of course. But when tuning out becomes our default, disconnection, loneliness, and misunderstandings can result, says Anna Osborn, a relationship therapist and coach in Sacramento, California. “That’s when you hear couples say, ‘We’ve grown far apart.’ ”
One way to take off the blinders: mindfulness. “Mindfulness means bringing your awareness to the present moment without judgment,” Silberstein-Tirch says. A sizable body of research shows that practicing mindfulness can improve your ability to direct your attention and make you less reactive in the moment—both key behaviors in a romantic partnership. According to a 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people who measured higher in “trait mindfulness” (they rated themselves as more likely to view their present experiences without judgment) weathered the day-to-day ups and downs of close relationships with greater satisfaction and calm.
Intrigued? Here are a few time-honored marital challenges and ways to meet them with mindfulness.
MARITAL CHALLENGE
When your partner is talking, you go into screen saver mode.
MINDFUL FIX
Practice mindful listening.
While not every confab has to be a soul excavation, it’s important to be present for “the moments that matter,” Osborn says. A good first step: Set your intention to listen by silently saying a short phrase, such as “Tune in.”
Silberstein-Tirch offers a quick way to focus on the other person: “Imagine you’re breathing in attention to yourself, then breathing it out toward your spouse.” Or shift your seat. “Moving your body position helps your mind follow,” says Ko Im, a Seattle-based yoga and meditation instructor. “Point your toes their way. Maybe connect with them physically by touching them lightly on the shoulder.” During an important conversation, check in with yourself from time to time. When your attention wanders (it will), just notice that it drifted and bring it back to the conversation, she says.
To really tune in—during dinner catch-up, for instance—you can also quiz yourself, suggests journalist Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters. “Be ready to answer yourself afterward: ‘What did I just learn? How was my partner feeling?’ ”
MARITAL CHALLENGE
You show up to an argument with a cargo hold of emotional baggage.
MINDFUL FIX
Adopt a beginner’s mindset.
A blowup with your spouse is rarely about the here-and-now facts. “Instead, we often dive right into familiar stories we tell ourselves,” Osborn explains. “When I was first married, my husband would say, ‘Dinner smells good.’ He meant it as a simple compliment, but to my ears it was a criticism: ‘Wow, she’s actually cooking dinner for a change.’ I grew up in a family with a stay-at-home mom, so I’d feel defensive, assuming he was expecting me to cook a lavish meal every night too.”
To stop unhelpful storytelling, Alicia Muñoz, a couple’s therapist and the author of A Year of Us: One Question a Day to Spark Fun & Meaningful Conversations, recommends a timeline check. “Ask yourself, ‘Am I in the past, present, or future?’ If your mind is caught in what has happened or might happen, bring yourself back to the present by using your senses, noticing sounds, smells, tastes, or textures,” she says. Once you’re in the moment, you may see the situation clearly and know the best way to respond.
Meryl Davids Landau, author of the mindfulness-based novel Warrior Won, says, “When I feel myself getting ready to argue with my husband, I focus on where my feet are touching the floor, where my back is against the chair. It brings me into the moment enough to sometimes stop my emotions from escalating.”
Another strategy: If you’re about to have the dirty-dishes argument for the 10 zillionth time, pretend you’ve never had it before. Ask yourself, “What if I didn’t know how this was going to go?” “It can help to imagine observing the conflict as if you were watching a play from the audience, viewing it at a distance,” says Carla Naumburg, PhD, author of How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids. “When you step back and take this perspective, you make room for yourself to make new choices about how to respond.” And just maybe you won’t have the argument for the 10 zillion and first time.
MARITAL CHALLENGE
Your relationship has become rote.
MINDFUL FIX
Use your curiosity.
“We forget to recognize what we have with the other person,” Muñoz says. “Being fully present with your partner can bring a sense of vitality to the connection. It’s like, ‘Wow, I haven’t really seen you for a while.’ ”
Looking at her spouse with fresh eyes has helped Neeti Narula, a yoga and meditation teacher in New York City. “Focusing on details that only I see on my partner helps me feel close to him. Freckles on his face, eyebrow hairs—it’s all in the tiniest details. These can be my cue to remember what I value about our relationship.”
After all, mindfulness asks you to look anew at a sunset, or the ever-changing patterns of leaves. Can you bring that sense of curiosity—even wonder—to the person next to you on the sofa? What would you be drawn to if you had just met them for the first time? “Try to imagine the other person not as a problem to be solved but as a wonder to be appreciated,” Silberstein-Tirch suggests. “It’s often said that curiosity and compassion are two wings of the same bird.”
Added thoughts: Sometimes, you might find that you didn’t know what you had until you lost it! Take time to appreciate each other. Take a stroll in his/her shoes sometimes.
Yesterday is gone… history. Tomorrow is not yet here. Today is now… that’s why is call the Present.